Ownership (and boundaries)

Certain Instagram channels I used to follow would often post things about “cutting toxic people out of your life.” Or “negative people” or “energy draining people.” Now I agree that sometimes it is healthy and necessary to put some space between you and certain people or person. But I hate the way these messages put the full blame on that other person. All you need to do is let them go and you can go back to being your perfect self again. (they say)

The way I see it, there are no bad or “toxic” people. Only bad synergy or energy between certain people. Relationships are made up of two sides. So take ownership of yours.

For example, I know I have boundary issues. (Working on it). The line (or boundary) between myself, my own responsibility, my own pain and feelings, and what belongs to the other person (not my responsibility) becomes blurry.  

So I know I would do well to surround myself with people who can demonstrate strong boundaries to me. 

People with healthy, strong boundaries know how to say “no” and they also know how to say “yes.”

Able to say yes means things do not always have to go your way, according to your plan. You are open to (not threatened by) other people’s ideas and initiatives (great idea! Yes, let’s do that! I would love to). You do not always have to be in control or the boss or have the last word. You are open and receptive because your own boundaries are strong, and you know that saying yes to someone else (or agreeing with their idea, suggestion, or initiative) is not going to weaken you. 

Able to say no means you will not /cannot go along with things that are clearly not in line with your own values or true needs, wishes or desires, just to please other people or avoid conflict. (Prerequisite for this is that you know what your values are and can hear/distinguish what your own needs, wishes, or desires are. Not societies’ wishes, not your parents’ wishes or expectations for you, not your partner or friends’. Yours). 

People with equally weak boundaries like me, may become “toxic” to me or “trigger” me in certain ways. For example, because they have a hard time saying “yes” and I have a hard time saying “no” or making my own voice heard. Most likely we are going to be bad for each other and trigger each others’ insecurities.

But that is not because they are toxic people. We are both people with our own issues. These issues might clash and come to the surface in our interactions. So yeah, we might need some space between us to work on these things. 

But let’s not frame it as one of us being “toxic” and one of us seeing themselves as a victim who takes no ownership or responsibility for her part but gives herself a false sense of empowerment by weeding ‘toxic’ people out of her life. 

Coincidentally (or is it paradoxically?) I did stop following those Instagram accounts or did ‘cut them out of my life’ ;) (they weren’t personal friends’ accounts but big commercial/popular accounts, about feminism and such) 

Similar to this:

Freedom and Control

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Lessons in Speaking from the Heart

These are some things I have been learning this past year. Personal growth, I guess. Hopefully it can start bearing some fruit soon, instead of just being words shared on a page. 

*Note: Some people may actually be narcissistic, manipulative, abusive, and dare I say, toxic. But I believe the “toxic” accusation gets thrown around far too easily. People who disagree with you are not toxic. People whom you don’t know how to get along with or whose personality or behaviour annoys you are not toxic. People who complain a lot are not toxic. People who suffer from depression or social anxiety or chronic illness are not toxic. Granted, they may not be the right person for you to be spending a lot of time with (particularly if you have weak boundaries and tend to take on, or feel responsible for, the feelings and emotions of others) but they are not toxic and it is not all on them.

True empowerment is not in simply cutting these people out of your life, but in investigating why exactly they are so triggering to you. What mirror are they holding up? And taking ownership for your stuff, and responsibility for your own growth.

Also, I have to tell you that people are not commodities. They do not exist to make you happy or make you feel good about yourself. And I think it is absurd to act like you can simply “trade them in” (for other people who do agree with you and do inspire you) if they are not serving you very well anymore. (as those Instagram posts encourage their followers to do). Dealing with difficult people is a normal part of life. And it can lead to growth as long as you do take ownership of your own stuff, instead of dumping it all on their ship and then simply cutting ties.