I know

About a week ago, I wrote this:

Last night I was worrying/ praying/ confessing some things to God and all I kept hearing was, “I know.” Just a causal, non-judgemental, matter of fact “I know.”

“I am really bad at thinking about my future. I am no good at making long-term plans. Setting goals.”

I know.

“Also, my heart just cannot let go fully of something I know, or think, I should”

I know.

“What do you mean with this ‘I know”? I need to work on these things, right?” [Don’t you have any wisdom for me? no sudden spark of motivation, a clear path of goals? ;) ]

I know that you are so good at living in the moment. I know that you thank me throughout the day for all the blessings you recognise. Why should you be worrying about the fact that you are not more worried [about future things]?

And I know that your heart is loyal and your love is strong. I know you can’t “get over” people. You stay connected to them in your heart.

Each morning, while putting my eye drops in, I listen to a daily meditation on the Calm app. Today’s “daily Trip” with Jeff was about equanimity. Equanimity is about full acceptance of whatever is going on inside of you. Saying “yes” or a gentle “I know” to your anxiety, depression, frustration, irritation, joy, uncertainty, all of it, all of you.

“When a feeling is truly and entirely accepted it becomes easier to bear […] What we resist persists. And what we accept changes. Eventually. “ Jeff

Yesterdays prayer conversation was kind of like the equanimity thing too.

Not that there is nothing I need to work on or change, ever. Growth is good, right? but certain things (or parts of me) can actually be accepted as not all bad.

And now the cool part is: Once I let go of the anxiety and shame about the fact that “I’m so bad at worrying about the future” Once I let myself stop worrying about other people’s judgment ‘they probably judge me as lazy, unmotivated, taking no responsibility for her future financial stability, just enjoying life in the moment ladiladila. and expecting that other people are probably going to take care of her and lend her money later on, right?’ And feeling broken because I know this is all due to the fact that I have almost died 4 times, so sometimes it feels like there is a thick curtain between my present reality and some kind of distant future which might not even come into being. All I can see ahead of me is one week.

Once I let go of all that fretting and worrying and feeling not good enough at life, and just let it be, told myself “I know” I felt free and motivated and excited to start looking for a new job and work toward future goals.